A sleep study made me miss the season premiere of Big Brother Canada

Thursday, March 6, 2014

This is an epic loss I'm not sure I will ever recover from.  How do I know if this year the house-guests were ALL allowed in the house at the same time?  How will I know if I missed the first spark of an authentic new romance?  How will I know who got one of the sad twin beds, instead of a reasonably sized double bed?  I missed all this because I had to get ...

a sleep study.

I thought that it would involve walking into a luxurious, modern room where a nurse would plug a couple of electrodes onto your temples, then allow you to play Candy Crush Saga until you fell asleep.  This was not the case!  What happened can only be described as the stuff of nightmares...the stuff of legend...the stuff of neither of those, I'm bored and trying to make a post on sleep studies sound remotely exciting (mission failed after the first sentence).

Here's what really happened.  I arrived at the selected location at 8:30pm EST.  I got a bit confused thinking I was on the wrong side of University Ave., since the address said the place was on Dundas West.  Did a big sigh and prepared to cross to the west side of University.  Remembered Dundas is Dundas West on the West side of Yonge.  Felt dumb.  Wandered up to building and hammered on the glass so the security guard would let me in.  Was told to stand in another lobby with a concerned-looking woman.  Nurse came down and retrieved the both of us.

Wow, this is boring.  

Getting to the point: the nurse asked what time I wanted to go to bed, and the answer was really "ASAP" so I could get closer to wake-up time and getting out of there...but I said 10:00-10:30pm.  I sat in a chair playing Candy Crush Saga from 8:45-10:00pm (the first 15 minutes was reserved for filling out fun questionnaires).   By the way, I did not pass level 267.  Nor did I pass level 67 of the Dreamworld.  Was I angry?  No.  Did I want to throw my phone across the room onto the depressing-looking bed?  Yes.  Did I inspect the bed for bedbugs?  Yes.  Did I still imagine it had bedbugs all night, which probably accounted for my three hours of sleep?  Yes.  Do I have any bites today?  No.   

The nurse (I don't think she's a 'nurse', I just don't know what to call her.  Sleep-technician?  Maybe she is a nurse?  She was nice.) then started attaching electrodes to me.  You get a few on your face, a couple behind your ears, several on your head, two on your legs, one on your arm, a few on your neck, two belts around your chest and ribs, and an oxygen nose-thinger shoved into your nostrils then tightened so you feel like choking.  And an electrode on your butt.

Just kidding!  Only two, one on each cheek.  

Just kidding!

These are all secured with some sort of jelly substance and alot of tape, which does not feel the best when being removed from your sensitive morning face and from your scalp/hair.  Also, when you wake up, your hair is dried in the shape of whatever the jelly did overnight, and it looks like you melted candle wax in your hair.  Luckily you should leave the place around 6:00am when it's still dark outside, and nobody is around to question your wax-hair.

Anyway, before the test they ask you move your eyes all around, pretend to snore, cough, heave, twerk, fill out a crossword, and they do all this over an intercom then tell you to go to bed.  Then you sleep.  

The end.

Oh wait, they wake you up in the morning and say you can leave.  There are shower facilities but I recommend hightailing it out of there and going home!  There's something strange about sleeping in a random office building with four other strangers (separate rooms) and knowing people are listening to your stomach gurgling all night.  Recommendation - eat before you go.

Here is what I looked like before the sleep study:

"What if I can't fall asleep?  He thought.  If a sleep study is done on someone who doesn't sleep, was the sleep study ever really done at all?"

This is what I looked like after:

"I feel refreshed, rejuvenated, and I'm certain that my problem of choking loudly in my sleep will be solved with the resolution of this study."

Sleep studies can help diagnose:
  • Sleep-related breathing disorders, such as sleep apnea (sleep apnea: the new Gluten-intolerance)
  • Sleep-related seizure disorders
  • Sleep-related movement disorders, such as periodic limb movement disorder
  • Sleep disorders that cause extreme daytime tiredness, such as narcolepsy
  • Sleep disorders such as picking your nose and eating it 
Source: the first Google result that popped up

I'm not sure where that last point came from?  

Did you know sleep apnea can be caused by a hormonal imbalance?  Did you know oily skin can be caused by too much DHT?  Did you know DHT can cause thinning hair in both men and women? Did you know you can naturally block DHT with Saw Palmetto?  Why am I talking about DHT?  What does DHT even stand for?  Dry Heaving Tonsillitis? OH GOD INTERNET OVERLOAD ATTACK

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